Pucker up

HAVEN'T posted anything in a while so here's a three-page script I wrote for an artist last year - an artist I haven't heard from since. Oh, well.

Anyway, the idea was that it would be the first of a short series about a bloke - called Keith - who was trying to summon a demon to carry out some nefarious plan or other. Unfortunately, every diabolical creature he summoned was more eccentric and difficult to control than the last. I was quite pleased with it...

PUCKER UP
By Andy Winter

PAGE ONE

1. A man – we’ll call him Keith – is dressed in a hooded robe and is standing in the middle of a pentagram that has been drawn on the floorboards of his tiny flat (the carpet has been rolled up and his sofa moved out of the way). Keith is reciting incantations as he attempts to conjure a demon. Although he is far from expert in these matters, Keith is giving it his all – booming out the incantations and standing in as dramatic a pose as possible while he does so.

Placed on the five points of the pentagram are lit candles which drop wax on to the floor – the only light source in the darkened room. Keith has inexpertly marked out the pentagram with white chalk on his floorboards.

Keith isn’t a terribly attractive man – he’s a bit overweight and unshaven. He isn’t wearing anything under the rather baggy robe but does have a pair of white socks on and there is a hole in one of the toes.

KEITH: Appear fiery hell-spawn to carry out my directions, to carve up my enemies into neat tidy sections…

2. The air in the room seems to shudder and Swasokretch the demon appears before Keith in the pentagram. I don’t mind what the demon looks like just make him scary and at least a foot taller than Keith.

DEMON: I am Swasokretch the demon and I will do whatever you command me to. But first...

3. Swasokretch has puckered up his lips – such as they are – and stuck his face right next to Keith’s. Keith reacts with total shock and horror – his mouth hangs open and his eyes bulge.

DEMON: … A KISS!

KEITH: WHAT!?!

4. Keep the composition of this panel roughly the same, only now the demon has unpuckered his lips and Keith has slightly recovered his senses. The demon points at his lips as if that is going to encourage Keith to kiss him.

DEMON: A kiss – go on, gimme a smacker right on the lips here!

KEITH: You haven’t got any lips.

DEMON: I think you’re mean.

KEITH: And I thought you were a demon.

5. His demon manhood challenged, Swasokretch puffs out his chest and tries to look as tough as possible. Keith has fully recovered his senses now and is actually making fun of the demon.

DEMON: Oh, I’m a demon alright, mate.

KEITH: A demon who likes kissing men?

6. The demon looks down at Keith and pokes him in his chest with one of his long fingers; he’s getting a little cheesed off now. Keith looks up at him, but suddenly not so scared; almost laughing at him.

DEMON: What are you implying exactly?

KEITH: That you are Swasokretch… the gay demon.

PAGE TWO

1. The demon puts his arm on Keith’s shoulder. Keith sticks out his arm and is pushing the demon in the chest to keep him at bay.

DEMON: I’m not gay, I’m curious – I’ve never kissed a real, live human before. Now, c’mon, pucker up – I promise not to use any of my tongues...

KEITH: I’d rather eat the gunk out of Michael Winner’s belly button.

2. The demon releases his grip on Keith and throws his hands up in despair.

DEMON: You’re a homophobe.

MAN: No, I’m not, my brother’s gay!

3. The demon points accusingly at Keith.

DEMON: Yeah and you haven’t spoken to him in three years.

MAN: That has nothing to do with his... gayness.

4. The two continue bickering like an old married couple.

DEMON: See, you don’t even know the proper word for it.

MAN: It’s you, you’re confusing me... shut up!

5. Keith and the demon have turned their backs on each other – both have folded their arms. There is tension and silence in the air.

NO DIALOGUE IN THIS PANEL.

6. The demon has turned around and is talking to Keith’s back which remains turned to him.

DEMON: Right, last chance. Are you going to kiss me or what?

MAN: NO!

PAGE THREE

1. Keith has turned around to face the demon.

DEMON: Fine, send me back then...

MAN: I’d be delighted to…

2. Make this panel similar to the very first one on PAGE ONE. Keith is once again standing in the middle of his pentagram. Most of the demon has disappeared but perhaps we can still see part of him as he fades away back to hell.

KEITH: Return this demon to the pit; I can really bear no more of it!

DEMON: See you in hell, bigot!

3. Keith decides to summon another demon straightaway so begins a new incantation.

KEITH (thinking): If at first you don’t succeed…

KEITH: Send me a demon who’ll do as I say, send me a demon but not one that’s gay…

4. Another demon appears before Keith in the pentagram. Again, I’m quite happy for you to make the demon look however you want just make him very different in appearance to Swasokretch. This new demon has one hand behind his back because he is concealing something.

NEW DEMON: I am Eggelthasgok and I am here to do your bidding. But first...

5. The new demon has pulled out from behind his back a box containing the game Twister. He holds it up in front of him as if to say, "Ta da!". The demon is smiling a big goofy grin.

NEW DEMON: ...TWISTER!

6. Close up on Keith – he looks utterly deflated and ready to end it all. His expression is one of utter defeat.

NO DIALOGUE IN THIS PANEL.

THE END